Adult Onset Adulthood Causing Suffering for Millions in Mid-twenties, Early Thirties
Millions of Americans in their mid-twenties and early thirties are suffering from Adult Onset Adulthood (AOA) The U.S. Department of Health is reporting. The debilitating disease, which is characterized by a rapid increase in responsibilities and rapdily declining opportunities for wild abandon, is affecting growing numbers of people between the ages of 22 and 35.
"We are seeing more and more AOA among people, who prior to their twenties and thirties never suffered from this," said Dr. Spencer Flenderson of the DOH. "I really feel for these individuals, who are truly suffering. AOA is not pleasent in the least."
Dr. Flendersons says that the symptoms of AOA can be extremely painful. Symptoms of AOA include working several dozen hours a week in offices, schools, hospitals and construction sites; taking full responsibility for another human being for the rest of one's life, and even in some extreme cases, bringing new life into the world and holding responsibility for that fragile, developing life for nearly two decades. Symptoms also include bed times frightening close to sundown; a near freeze on road trips and a sobering amount of time spent sober.
"It's kind of like being clothes lined by life," Flenderson said. You have all of this energy and momentum, and bam!, you're on the ground roiling with pain."
"It's pain like I've never experienced in my life, says Jason Stewart, 25, who was diagnosed with AOA earlier this year. "I constantly feel sick to my stomach. Every time I step into my office and clock in in the morning, I feel like vomiting. It's just awful. They need to come up with a cure for this shit."
So far, scientisits have failed to find a cure for AOA. "It's a tough nut to crack, said Flenderson. We were hoping the Neverland Project might amount to something, but no such luck." The Neverland Project was a collaboration between geographers, literary scholars and scientists to find Neverland as described in J.M. Barre's Peter Pan. "We could have done early screenings to find out who was likely to contract AOA and we could have sent them to Neverland. But that didn't work; turns out, Barre completely made that stuff up. That was a shocking discovery."
But Flenderson says that while there isn't a cure, there are a number of treatments for AOA. "There's Netflix. Redbox. NBC's Modern Family. Memory foam mattresses. Fantasy sports leagues, craft beer, Oprah's Book Club and TED talks. "With the right dosage, some of these can mitigate the symptoms of AOA." Flenderson says that, despite appearances, AOA also some positive benefits. "People with AOA often can perceive things that those without it can't, like why it is not sensible to get a giant tattoo of a serpent fighting a mongoose covering your entire back."
"We are seeing more and more AOA among people, who prior to their twenties and thirties never suffered from this," said Dr. Spencer Flenderson of the DOH. "I really feel for these individuals, who are truly suffering. AOA is not pleasent in the least."
Dr. Flendersons says that the symptoms of AOA can be extremely painful. Symptoms of AOA include working several dozen hours a week in offices, schools, hospitals and construction sites; taking full responsibility for another human being for the rest of one's life, and even in some extreme cases, bringing new life into the world and holding responsibility for that fragile, developing life for nearly two decades. Symptoms also include bed times frightening close to sundown; a near freeze on road trips and a sobering amount of time spent sober.
"It's kind of like being clothes lined by life," Flenderson said. You have all of this energy and momentum, and bam!, you're on the ground roiling with pain."
"It's pain like I've never experienced in my life, says Jason Stewart, 25, who was diagnosed with AOA earlier this year. "I constantly feel sick to my stomach. Every time I step into my office and clock in in the morning, I feel like vomiting. It's just awful. They need to come up with a cure for this shit."
So far, scientisits have failed to find a cure for AOA. "It's a tough nut to crack, said Flenderson. We were hoping the Neverland Project might amount to something, but no such luck." The Neverland Project was a collaboration between geographers, literary scholars and scientists to find Neverland as described in J.M. Barre's Peter Pan. "We could have done early screenings to find out who was likely to contract AOA and we could have sent them to Neverland. But that didn't work; turns out, Barre completely made that stuff up. That was a shocking discovery."
But Flenderson says that while there isn't a cure, there are a number of treatments for AOA. "There's Netflix. Redbox. NBC's Modern Family. Memory foam mattresses. Fantasy sports leagues, craft beer, Oprah's Book Club and TED talks. "With the right dosage, some of these can mitigate the symptoms of AOA." Flenderson says that, despite appearances, AOA also some positive benefits. "People with AOA often can perceive things that those without it can't, like why it is not sensible to get a giant tattoo of a serpent fighting a mongoose covering your entire back."