YouTuber Accidentally Unboxes Receipt for Soul from Satan
In what may be the most disturbing unboxing in YouTube history, YouTuber Darryl Masters, who unboxes kids’ toys, posted a video in which he unboxes a receipt from Satan for his soul. The video starts with Masters unboxing various Nintendo products as he normally does until about 8 minutes in when Masters grabs a small black box.
“Hmm, I wonder what this could be?” Masters says excitedly, holding the box up to reveal a shiny black box with a red ribbon. “Doesn’t look like a video game. Let’s see what’s inside. Huh, some kind of parchment. Looks old-timey. See the old lettering. Almost looks like it's written in bloo--red marker. Read more.
“Hmm, I wonder what this could be?” Masters says excitedly, holding the box up to reveal a shiny black box with a red ribbon. “Doesn’t look like a video game. Let’s see what’s inside. Huh, some kind of parchment. Looks old-timey. See the old lettering. Almost looks like it's written in bloo--red marker. Read more.
Man Suffers from Seasonal Affected Disorder
If you were to have asked Joel Harris’s friends last month what they thought of him, they would have said Joel was “down-to-earth," the kind of guy you can just chill with. But in the past few weeks, Harris’s friends have noticed a nasty shift in Harris's disposition. Friends say the New Joel has deemed all of their favorite movies "derivative" and all of their favorite bands "digital cheese whiz." He has told friends if they want to talk to him, they can forget about using anything with an algorithm and that they are never to disturb him when he is "absorbed in the classics." Read More.
Man at Basketball Court Just Keeps Missing Shots
Albany-- A man at the basketball court is just missing shot after shot, say witnesses. Witnesses say the man has been at the court for about a half hour and has missed the vast majority of shots he’s taken.
“I want to say he’s made 3. But he's shot it like 50 times," said Michael Richards, park walker.
"I think he's only made 2," said Jacob Stetman, Richards walking partner, shaking his head.
Read More.
“I want to say he’s made 3. But he's shot it like 50 times," said Michael Richards, park walker.
"I think he's only made 2," said Jacob Stetman, Richards walking partner, shaking his head.
Read More.
CDC Recommends Carrying Woody Allen Memoir to Facilitate Social Distancing
The CDC is recommending that all Americans purchase a copy of Woody Allen's new memoir and carry it around with them to ensure people stay the recommended six feet apart from one another.
"When you see someone holding a copy of the book, your immediate reaction is horror and disgust and you instinctively move away," said Hal Hokum of the CDC. "It's perfect for fighting the Corona virus." Read More
"When you see someone holding a copy of the book, your immediate reaction is horror and disgust and you instinctively move away," said Hal Hokum of the CDC. "It's perfect for fighting the Corona virus." Read More
FEMA Mixup: Mayor of Baltimore Calls in Future English Majors of America to Evacuate Flooded City
Baltimore – A tragic mishap has potentially cost lives in Baltimore after the mayor called the wrong FEMA to help evacuate residents from the worst flood in the city's history.
“We wanted the Federal Emergency Management Agency. We got the Future English Majors of America," said Mayor Michael Andicott ruefully.
While the Federal Emergency Management Agency is trained to handle large scale crises, the Future English Majors of America is a social and academic network for 12-18 year-olds designed to“promote the future study of literature.” Read More.
“We wanted the Federal Emergency Management Agency. We got the Future English Majors of America," said Mayor Michael Andicott ruefully.
While the Federal Emergency Management Agency is trained to handle large scale crises, the Future English Majors of America is a social and academic network for 12-18 year-olds designed to“promote the future study of literature.” Read More.
Administration on Aging Lauds Subway for Preparing Americans for Diminished Taste in Old Age
America- The Administration on Aging (AOA) is applauding Subway sandwich shops for effectively preparing Americans for the loss of taste that comes in old age. A new report says that Subway's bland, tasteless subs are just what Americans need to understand what food will taste like for them when they get older.
“Bite into a subway sub, and you feel perfectly underwhelmed,” says Michael Jennings, spokesman for the AOA. The bread is bland, the meat is bland. This is exactly what food tastes like for seniors, and that is why we would like to thank Subway for preparing younger Americans for what's in their food tasting future.” Read More.
“Bite into a subway sub, and you feel perfectly underwhelmed,” says Michael Jennings, spokesman for the AOA. The bread is bland, the meat is bland. This is exactly what food tastes like for seniors, and that is why we would like to thank Subway for preparing younger Americans for what's in their food tasting future.” Read More.
Adult Onset Adulthood Causing Suffering for Millions in Mid-twenties, Early Thirties
'Merica-- Millions of Americans in their mid-twenties and early thirities are suffering from Adult Onset Adulthood (AOA) The U.S. Department of Health is reporting. The debilitating disease, which is charactized by a rapid increase in responsibilities and rapdily declining opportunities for wild abandon, is affecting growing numbers of people between the ages of 22 and 35.
"We are seeing more and more AOA among people, who prior to their twenties and thirties never suffered from this," said Dr. Spencer Flenderson of the DOH. "I really feel for these individuals, who are truly suffering. AOA is not pleasent in the least." Read More
"We are seeing more and more AOA among people, who prior to their twenties and thirties never suffered from this," said Dr. Spencer Flenderson of the DOH. "I really feel for these individuals, who are truly suffering. AOA is not pleasent in the least." Read More