Balding Jewish Men Deserve a Bernie Sanders Presidency!
by Mordecai Ben Loosenherr
A lot has been said in this campaign about what the first woman in the White House would mean for girls around the world. And surely there is truth in this. A Hillary Clinton presidency would be revolutionary in that respect. But what has been sorely lacking in this discussion of presidential symbolism is what a Bernie Sanders presidency would mean for balding Jewish men. Just think of what it will mean for the Simchas with think ha's when they see their shimmering scalps literally reflected in the most powerful person in the world. No more would these Ebbing Epsteins have to exclaim, “Oy gevalt, it's like a parted Red Sea up there.” Read More
What Do You Mean I'm Not Getting Into Heaven?
by Tom Johnson
There must be mistake. Check that list again. No, this is impossible. I should be on there! I swear to--I swear. How is this possible? No, there must be a mistake. I went to church...a few times. I held doors for most people. Yes, I made mistakes - maybe corporate law wasn't the must noble field - and I suppose I shouldn't have cheated on my wife, while she was getting treated for cancer--but if that's a cause for eternal damnation, then I just have to - well, no disrespect - but I don't think that's right. Can you check once again? I always called my mom on Mother's Day. Oh, Jesus. I just can't go to ---I don't do well with heat. Just look again, will you? it's Johnson, Thomas--maybe you looked for Tom, try Thomas. This is--you know---this is just isn't right. Could I maybe then just have a bit more time? I can prove I'm worthy. I'll work for a non-profit; I'll be faithful. What--you want me to go over there - with those--no, those aren't my people. Is that one of those Boston Bombers? Surely, I'm not on his level-- Like, helping Corporations avoid taxes...no exactly blowing people up, is it? OK, no need to push; fine, I'm going. You can't--just--OK, fine. There's not an appeal system, or something? Just let me know. Please. Alright.
Wow, We Really Got a Lot of Groceries This Week
by Robert Fillbrook
Holy cow! We got a lot of groceries this week. This cart is nearly full. Well, yeah, we were running low on a lot of things. Vegetables, chips, cereal. Oh, and we wouldn't have gotten as much if your parents weren't coming this weekend. And I wouldn't have gotten so many apples but 2.99 for an entire bag? When is that going to happen again? But still. Look at all this stuff! Last week, I'd say we had half this amount. Two-thirds at most. But probably more like half -- look at all this stuff! It just keeps coming out! Good thing I cleaned out the trunk today, am I right? God. Wow. This is crazy.